signs

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. 

I walked away from my director position yesterday after what was a fulfilling, stressful, rollercoaster of an experience. I started documenting my thoughts and feelings here six months ago while on sabbatical catalyzed by heart and mind overload. Being able to look back at where I was and what I was thinking has been an uncomfortable and equally interesting exercise.

It’s like, I know that I knew what to do but the anxiety and day to day stress I was under fully obstructed my ability to see what I knew was there. If I knew then what I know today, I think I would have taken the same path but hope I would have let less get to me.

I have no real regrets about any of it though. I have dug deep, leaned in, said yes, said no, pursued my physical health like my life depended on it and managed to land on just the right lily pad at just the right time.

I kept asking the universe to give me a sign. When I’d get one, I’d ask for another to confirm that what I’d just gotten was in fact the sign I’d asked for. Silly me. Sign after sign after sign were presented like bonks on the head. Finally I heard.

“The time is now to walk through the door,” she said. So I did, without really knowing what would be on the other side.

As it turns out, the whole wide world of love and support and creativity and dreams are over here! I know I shouldn’t be surprised but I was so deep in the dysfunction of what was happening around me, my perspective was totally clouded. Now that I’ve wiggled my way out of that trap, I feel free and light and energized. Like the old me who knew she could do anything, go anywhere, be anything. 

I can and I will.

I feel strongly that I must take advantage of everything that is available to me. So many beautiful people are being wrongfully killed, imprisoned, separated from their loved ones, targeted, shamed and oppressed. Being able to go where I want, do what I want and say what I want aren’t privileges or rights or liberties when they’re being denied to others. Rather, they are gifts that I just happened to receive. I am no different from any one else. 

For me, it’s clearer than ever that being able to means I must. I have so much to do so I’m going to go on and do it. If I’ve learned anything, it’s to live fully, honestly and in service to others. With eyes and heart wide open, I’m stepping forward.