what matters

After a long and productive day at my desk (so few of these grace my weeks), while powering down my computer and about to put my iPad away, I did a quick check of my personal email. I opened one from a blog I recently started following and was struck by an overwhelming sense of sadness as I read the words, “I was shocked and saddened to hear about the suicide this morning of Anthony Bourdain.”

Ear buds still in my ears from the day of working and tears in my eyes, Lauryn Hill sang, “Change, it comes eventually. I wrote these words for everyone who struggles in their youth. Who won’t accept deception, instead of what is truth,” I sat there heartbroken.

I have had a crush on Anthony Bourdain for years. His raw, honest, say-what-he-means-means-what-he-says perspective on food, culture and the world are powerfully sexy. When I lived in New York, I made the point to try his restaurant which was rather unremarkable but loved it anyway because it made me feel closer to him. A restaurant veteran by my mid 20’s, Kitchen Confidential read like a sneak peak into the diary of one of the old time greats. It was a tale of industry lore that I romanticized.  

Kate Spade’s designs were inaccessible to me during the period in my life when they most appealed to me. I would check Century 21 bargain bins and they were still outside my price range. When I learned of her passing just a couple days before Tony’s, I felt sad that I never owned any of her work. Not part of the clan that accessorized with her structured, clean but girly and whimsical bags. It feels inappropriate and thin to go after any now, especially since she hasn’t designed under her namesake label for years. 

I ache for those that knew them. I ache for those that didn’t get the opportunity to know them. I ache for them and the suffering they endured.

Moments like these remind me of the temporariness of it all. Of the privilege that is life. Of the gifts that healing brings. 

I have a deep knowing that my path is clearing and there is a necessity to keep walking down it no matter how challenging things feel, are or seem. What matters is that everything is temporary. I have the privilege, the gift, the support and the wherewithal to change course anytime I want. Thank you mom.

I ache for Tony’s and Kate’s families and friends. May they take comfort in knowing their beloveds are free from what held them so painfully tight.