catalyst

With nothing but time and the highway ahead, I’m feeling many emotions. Excited, anxious, worried, relieved, inspired, eager. 

I arrived on this journey after one of the most overwhelming emotional experiences of my life.

It was a Sunday evening this past October and we were at our neighborhood brewery having dinner (enchiladas and a glass of red for me, cheeseburger and an IPA for him). I had spent the afternoon with a girlfriend shopping and having that good, deep, heart-centered kind of conversation about life, the paths we’re on, the complication of relationship and our desires. 

When I got home it was too late to start making dinner, so we decided to go out. While in conversation about something I can’t recall, he said, “Can you believe, next week, the election will have been one year ago?”

I literally could not. It felt like we were sitting on the couch watching the results come in (I went to bed before they actually called it) like four or five months ago. Seriously, a whole year had gone by? What the fuck?

Crying uncontrollably right there in the brewery, distraught by the passage of time, I was completely freaking out. An entire year of my life had passed. Our country and world were being harmed in so many ways. Events were happening and I couldn’t figure out where all the time was going.

How can it be that we all have the same number of hours in the day? I look at some people and wonder how they get so much done when I mostly feel like I’m spinning in place. 

Truthfully, when I look back at my year, I can acknowledge with some pride things I’ve accomplished at work — and also, none of it really feeds me. I don’t feel excited or inspired and know in my heart that it’s not my work. 

The panic was/is layered by the desire to do something different for work, live in a city that inspires me with its energy, and to be independent of responsibility to another person. Therefore, ending my relationship, selling everything and hitting the road seemed like the only option. 

“If I die tomorrow, will I be happy with how I spent today?” A question that’s very present for me. Not in a scared-I’ll-die-tomorrow way, but certainly something I think about.

My mom died three and a half years ago at the age of fifty five which caught me by surprise. I mean, she had stupid cancer and all, but I really believed she would win. We had an agreement. There was no dying. So when she did, I was like, “Um, excuse me, what the fuck?!”

Something I think about is how close I am to fifty five. Eighteen point two years. While I think I’ll probably live to be ninety something because I have the health genes of my dad’s side and the thighs of my mom’s, I also can’t help but think about how fast eighteen years flies. 

Let’s say I do die at fifty five — I really need to be doing all the shit I want to do — like right now! Nothing creates a sense of urgency like knowing that time is limited. There is so much I want to be experiencing more of and far more regularly.

Slow, quiet Saturday mornings. Travel to faraway lands. Fluency in Spanish. Pure unconditional love. Visceral joy, not just contentment. Fulfilling heart-centered work. You know, stuff like that.

Through a series of hard, deep cries; mental health days from work; a number of contemplation hours; amazing support from my network of loved ones; and express shipping on a journal that’s provided me with the right amount of structure and accountability, pushing pause on my life became the clear path to take.

So rather than all the radical severing I thought I had to do just a few weeks ago, I packed up my car with a month’s worth of stuff and set off on a solo journey. I’m on strict orders not to set goals for this time. In fact, I have no expected outcomes.

I thought I would spend time on this journey defining and refining what wellness is for me. But, I’m a voracious planner and couldn’t help but spend time with this in advance. After four hours in a meditation room at my favorite place in the mountains (with my new journal), I was able to define what wellness looks like for me. 

Right now it includes no anxiety, strong gut health, mental clarity/ease with decisions and quality sleep.

I hope to return home with a lighter heart and clearer mind. I trust with all my being that clarity about next steps will emerge.