physical wellness
I woke up in the middle of the night with a sharp pain in my neck that was radiating down to my shoulder blade. It was so excruciating that I had to hold my head with my hand as I adjusted positions in bed.
This morning I took a thousand milligrams of acetaminophen and still no relief. I’m now waiting impatiently for a massage appointment this afternoon and calling everywhere to get a chiropractic appointment. Good grief.
Today I had plans to go for a run along the lake, maybe walk to a nearby coffee shop where I would people watch and write. Instead, I’ve been home in my jammies, carefully going back and forth to the kitchen for water or a snack — taking it verrrry easy and slow.
My initial reaction when I realized I couldn’t do anything today was annoyance and frustration. But I’m on this journey to get stuff done. I’m going to run and read and write and sleep in and go out and stay in and it will all be when and what I want.
I really don’t know anything about anything, but suspect there’s a lesson in this for me.
If everything happens for a reason, little else matters than staying present to each little thing that’s happening, then I’m seeing a connection between the unbearable pain in my neck right now and this time out that I’ve taken.
As far back as last spring and through the fall I was experiencing panic attacks (crying myself to sleep, difficulty breathing, etc.), intense back and hip pain and very shitty sleep.
All of these issues were impacting my ability to wake feeling rested, have clear thoughts, stay focused on any particular task and have the energy or will to run which heavily influenced a bunch of other emotional stuff. I was trapped in the biggest catch twenty two snowball ever.
Achy body leads to shitty sleep leads to cloudy brain leads to anxiety at work leads to panic attacks at home leads to no exercise leads to shitty sleep, and so on.
Then the incident at the brewery in October triggered upheaval in my day to day for the coming weeks. I was unable to get through a day without crying or having less than nine twinges of anxiety (a very good day included nine; a very bad day included forty seven).
I was experiencing what, for me, was the closest thing to depression I’d ever known and was totally caught up in the frustrating shit that was happening and overwhelmed by what wasn’t.
Because I’m a crazy doer, planner and figure-outer I pretty quickly determined the steps I needed to take to dig my way out of the giant snowball so that I could take some breaths and figure out what to do next.
I’m currently in the taking breaths phase.
What little I know is this:
- When my body aches, there’s a reason. Not just because I slept funky.
- If I slept funky, there’s a reason.
- If I’m crying at work, there’s a reason.
- If I’m experiencing anxiety twinges, there are reasons.
- If my stomach hurts, there’s a reason.
- If I want to sell my belongings, end my relationship and move far away, I need to push pause and breathe before making any decisions.
As I sit here waiting for my massage appointment (sixty eight minutes to go), I know that it is the single best thing for me to do today. Hopefully tomorrow I’ll see a chiropractor and the following an acupuncturist.
My neck is hurting, my shoulder is on fire, my hip is aching and I know there are reasons.
At a minimum, I’m paying attention to each little and big thing that’s happening in my body. Further, I’m taking the time to show up for myself and not let my suffering go on for weeks and weeks. Nothing matters more than my health and wellbeing. Nothing.
Without them, I am nothing and am good for nothing. With them, everything is possible.